My Child Doesn’t Want to Have a B-Mitzvah! What Do We Do?!

Perhaps you have a child who jumps for joy at the idea of standing up in front of all their friends and family celebrating their becoming B’nai Mitzvah, whatever that means in your community. Perhaps you have a child who feels nervous, but you think you can give them enough reassurance to get them to this milestone. Or perhaps you have a child who flat-out refuses to have a B’nai Mitzvah, and it seems like no amount of persuasion is going to change their mind.

The first thing to do is figure out why the child doesn’t want to participate. Perhaps they are afraid of getting up in front of everyone. They don’t like to perform, or crowds make them nervous, or they have any other fears about the day itself. Of all the reasons for hesitation, their nervousness about the social aspects of the ceremony can be the easiest to solve. First, you don’t have to invite a lot of people. Maybe it would be better if it was just your immediate family, or in a smaller space, such as a chapel, a rabbi’s office, or even in your home. Try to find a place where your child feels comfortable and to keep the event to a size they are willing to lead. Showing your child that you hear what is bothering them and trying to address it can go a long way toward overcoming their anxieties.

Perhaps the ritual of B’nai Mitzvah doesn’t feel meaningful to your child. They haven’t found something yet in their Jewish experience that they can relate to, so they don’t want to get up in front of everyone and chant in a language they don’t understand or speak about a Torah portion to which they don’t feel a connection. Although to most of us, a B’nai Mitzvah involves getting up and reading the Torah, it doesn’t have to be that way. Finding a different meaningful way for your child to mark this moment can be an option. If your child likes art or music or sports, find an educator or clergy person who can help them design a ritual connected to their interests. And it doesn’t have to be about performing. I once had a student create a zine instead of giving a D’var Torah. People still talk about how amazing it was, because it reflected who he was and the way he felt comfortable teaching. It is okay to think outside the B’nai Mitzvah box.

Ultimately, becoming B’nai Mitzvah is more about the learning than about the performance. Every child should find a piece of learning that feels significant to them, whether it be learning to read Torah or Haftorah, leading prayer, diving deeply into their Torah portion, or learning about a holiday, Jewish history, or tradition. I have often found that children who are resistant are more open to learning once the pressure to perform is taken off. Many of them come around in the end and want to do the ceremony to show off their learning. The traditional ceremony is a wonderful chance to celebrate your child and family, but not every child thrives there. Finding a meaningful learning journey and a way to celebrate that honors your child is the best way to mark this moment.

About the Author

Rabbi Rebecca Rosenthal is the Senior Director of Youth and Family Education at Central Synagogue, where she oversees programming for families and children of all ages, including the nursery school, religious school, teen programming, and family programs. She holds a bachelor’s degree from Yale University and was ordained as a rabbi and received a master’s degree in Jewish education from the Jewish Theological Seminary, where she was a Wexner fellow. She lives in New York City with her husband and three children.

More

Listen to B-Mitzvah Bites, PJ Library’s Podcast By Kids, For Kids
How Do I Have a B-Mitzvah Without Community Nearby?
I’m Not Sure My Child Can Handle a Typical B’Nai Mitzvah, What Should We Do?

January 13, 2026