We often think about B’nai Mitzvah as being about the moment when a child gets up, blesses and reads from the Torah, chants haftorah, gives a D’var Torah, and maybe even leads some of the prayers in synagogue. Scenes in film and TV, and perhaps our own experience with family and friends, reinforce the idea that, to become B’nai Mitzvah, this is what one must do. For the parent of a child with learning disabilities or other needs that make following this scenario impossible, marking the milestone might seem inaccessible.
The good news is that, according to Jewish tradition, the only thing that someone has to do to become an adult in the Jewish community is to turn 13 (or, traditionally, 12 for girls). And so there are many ways to mark this milestone according to the needs of your child.
“There are many ways to mark this milestone according to the needs of your child.”
Do What Works Best For Your Family
The first step is to figure out what will work best for your child and your family. What are your child’s strengths? What do they enjoy? If they like music, perhaps they can play or sing a piece of Jewish music, curate a playlist of their favorite Jewish music, or help lead a prayer during services. If they enjoy art, they can create a painting, drawing, or other artwork about their Torah portion, a holiday, or a piece of Jewish life that they connect to.
When it comes to knowing your child, you are the expert. You have the means to help your community understand your child and to plan a ceremony meaningful for your child and your family. And although this may not be the primary objective, you can help families that come after you to widen the scope of what it means to become B’nai Mitzvah, which is a win for everyone.
This milestone moment is important for the parent as well as for the child. Blessing your child with the priestly blessing on the bima, in your home, or in another special location can be a beautiful way of marking this milestone in a more private way, especially if your child doesn’t like to be surrounded by large groups. You can also take a beautiful family photo or commission an artwork to mark the moment, so that your family has something to help them remember it for years to come.
Honoring Your Child’s Individuality is a Mitzvah
Every single child, every single person, was created in the image of God and they all have Torah inside of them that they can share with the world. The job of clergy and educators and family and friends is to create the vessel for this Torah to be shared. And if your child is turned away because they cannot celebrate the milestone like other children in the community, I hope that you will find a community that is more understanding and creative. Your child is a gift to you, to the Jewish community, and to the world and we want to celebrate the miracle of them reaching this milestone with you.
About the Author
Rabbi Rebecca Rosenthal is the Senior Director of Youth and Family Education at Central Synagogue, where she oversees programming for families and children of all ages, including the nursery school, religious school, teen programming, and family programs. She holds a bachelor’s degree from Yale University and was ordained as a rabbi and received a master’s degree in Jewish education from the Jewish Theological Seminary, where she was a Wexner fellow. She lives in New York City with her husband and three children.
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January 13, 2026