Every time I see the number of days since October 7, the posters or pieces of tape counting the days the hostages have been in captivity, I am surprised. Each milestone, 100 days, 200 days, 300 days, 350 days, shocks me. And soon, in between the holy days of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, we will reach the one-year mark.
For an adult, one year since October 7 is a grim milestone. For children, a year can be an eternity. So much has changed in their lives. Many have started new schools or new classes, learned new skills, even gained a sibling. Who they were last year, and what was appropriate to discuss with them in the immediate aftermath of October 7, has changed significantly. They have grown, evolved, and are able to handle different kinds of information.
In approaching the question of what to say to them now about October 7, first, you may ask yourself if you want to mark this anniversary at all. If your child is still very young, you may not want to do anything. But older children, especially those in elementary school and beyond, likely know about the war, at least in the abstract. Your first conversation with them should be focused on finding out what they know so that you can tailor your plans accordingly.
Next, talk with them about why it is important to mark this milestone. In Judaism, we mark a yartzeit (the anniversary of a death) every year, so that we continue to honor the memory of someone’s life. Ask your child what you could do to mark the day. They may have their own ideas, and here are some to get you started:
- Look up the bios of those who died on October 7 and commit to learning and speaking about one person, keeping their memory alive in your family.
- Light a yahrzeit candle together and let it burn for 25 hours.
- Attend a community gathering or a service and recite the mourner’s kaddish.
- Give tzedakah to a charity working to rebuild destroyed communities. This approach is an especially good one for young children, as you don’t have to go into the details of what happened but instead can talk to them about the importance of supporting Jews in Israel and around the world.
It can be very scary for children if they know something sad is happening, but they don’t know what it is. If your child knows anything about October 7, marking the moment with them in an age-appropriate way creates space for their questions and their feelings and helps them to understand the importance of Jewish memory.
About the Author
Rabbi Rebecca Rosenthal is the Senior Director of Youth and Family Education at Central Synagogue, where she oversees programming for families and children of all ages, including the nursery school, religious school, teen programming, and family programs. She holds a bachelor’s degree from Yale University and was ordained as a rabbi and received a master’s degree in Jewish education from the Jewish Theological Seminary, where she was a Wexner fellow. She lives in New York City with her husband and three children.
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