“She’s ready!” announced my daughter’s orthodontist. “We’ll make an appointment to put on her braces next week.”
It was the middle of July. As we sat across from the treatment coordinator, looking over a calendar, I tentatively voiced my concern. “Ella’s bat mitzvah is next month. Will it be… a problem?”
“Absolutely not,” she chirped, flashing a mouthful of stunningly aligned teeth. “She’ll be used to them in a few days.” Glancing at the worried expression on my face, she added softly, ‘Of course, some parents do have the braces taken off for the bat mitzvah pictures, and then put back on.”
We scheduled Ella’s appointment and left. On the way home, Ella and I talked about the plan. She felt confident that braces wouldn’t get in the way of her bat mitzvah preparations, and she was eager to get started with the process, rather than wait until the new school year.
“Why on earth would anyone have braces taken off for PICTURES?” she giggled.
“Who knows?” I laughed.
But I did know. I knew, because as I had been working on the behind-the-scenes arrangements for Ella’s homespun celebration, scanning Pinterest boards and professional caterers for ideas, I constantly came across the expression “perfect bat mitzvah.” The perfect dress. The perfect centerpieces. The perfect smile.
When our children are small, we don’t ask them to be perfect. When they learn to eat, we expect food all over everything. When they learn to walk, we expect them to wobble and fall. A lot. When they learn to write their names, we expect their letters to be backwards and upside down if they look like letters at all. And we praise them for trying.
So why, then, does the message change, as they begin their transition to adulthood? It seems to me that as an adult, it’s all the more important that they become comfortable with making mistakes. With not being perfect.
When Ella’s bat mitzvah arrived, she stood on the bimah with a mouth full of braces. While her Torah reading was flawless, her mother’s and uncles’ readings were... not so much. But that day, we celebrated--instead of hiding--our imperfections.
In our charge to Ella, we told her: Many, many people stepped out far of their comfort zones today – trying things they never did before or have not done in a long, long time. Taking a risk always involves the possibility of failure. So far, you’ve had way more successes in your life than failures.
In some ways, we hope that continues, that you continue to bask in your many achievements. But we also hope that you never let fear of failure hold you back. We hope that you struggle. Because if you aren’t struggling, and if you don’t fail once in a while, then you aren’t dreaming big enough. And we want you to dream big.”
By Amy Meltzer, for PJ Library
January 1, 2016